Im a " fallen" Christian ...?

I've been a devout believer for over 26 yrs.. I'm finding a lot of b.s. in my "beliefs" over the last 3 yrs. Yes, I KNOW the book of Rev is unfolding before our eyes, yes, Jesus loves us & He is awesome!! , He's my BFF; seriously. But God? Idk so more... I am sooo sick of "Well, your mother suffer a f*cked up loooong death because of Adam & Eve, blah, blah.. THEN, your Dad(a 3rd generation preacher! )is also gonna suffer as sloooow as I choose, too, because it's for "the greater good". Yeah, I know..I'm Mr.big bassass & could "heal" or "take swiftly" but choose NOT to!!! Cuz I CAN, child. Like it or leave it!!!! For I AM GOD! Well.. I choose to leave. YOU GOD made the choice FOR ME, forever being separated from you & yours, Mr. Father do whatever - I - want". I wonder, just WHO was the evil one!? Satan wanted AWAY FROMYOU WHY!?????